I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
