you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I have aggressive nipples.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
