wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
