I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
