My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
