Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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