You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize