So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
My cat gives me a boner
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
