her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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