Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
