every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
