im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
