I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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