Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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