If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
