dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
