Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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