He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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