what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
