I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
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