I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
