I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
