trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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