It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
