I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Randomize
