Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 607 share tweet
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
