he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
