I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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