oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
