I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize