I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
