The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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