you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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