I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
