I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
