I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
