Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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