11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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