why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
what the fuck happened to the tacos
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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