Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
