after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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