do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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