someone owes me an orgasm
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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