She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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