The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
