Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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