You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
