I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
