I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
it's not cheating when I paid for it
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
