hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
