Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
