i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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