Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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