ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
