dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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