Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
