so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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