so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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