I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
