so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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